Italians are fantastic people, really. They can work you over in an alley while singing an opera.
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the
biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend...yet.
Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists?
A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening".
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I have to go to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.
There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new bomber jackets.
You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.
A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a mustache."
Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular people-porn, you sick bastard.
The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.
I used to date a girl with a wooden leg, but it didn’t work out, so I broke it off.
I used to date a girl with a wandering eye, but I let her go when I found that she was seeing someone on the side.
I used to date a girl that had two left hands, but we had to call it quits because she was rubbing me the wrong way.
I used to date a girl who had a colostomy. But we broke up because she always left me holding the bag.
I used to date a girl that loved bar-hopping, but we split up because she was driving me to drink.
